To My Handsome Groom, With All My Heart

Whoa! It is May, the May before June which leads to July. Yes! July 30th. The big 4 letter word - FOUR.

This July we will mark the day Adam almost cried, I laughed when his corsage turned upside down then quickly made friends with the ground, and the unity candles would not light. This July will mark four years since the shaky knees, the wildness in my mind, and the peace of hearing "As The Deer" guide me to my future standing at the end of the burlap cloth aisle.

Four years.

It's not much, no... but it's also so much.
Jars overflowing with laughter, bowls holding so many tears. Countless moments of bending and changing, giving and taking, molding and fitting. My heart cannot fathom that we survived our first year, much less the second. Yet, so many times I yearn for that small one bedroom apartment on the third floor with a tiny full size bed and a partially empty fridge/pantry. I find myself closing my eyes and giggling at our first Thanksgiving and Christmas. The tiny decorations screaming courage to my heart!

I look back on our dreams, our long conversations, the desperation in my voice wanting checklists to find themselves complete (school, graduating, paying off debt) and now I crave for time to halt.  Here's to you my warrior, my prince, my groom... my mister. Here is to you who fought gallantly for us.


To My Handsome Groom,

Your patience for me is unyielding. Your love - ever growing. There is a light in your eyes that shines, it radiates and penetrates the depths of my soul. I know that glow is not from me, nothing I have done or ever will do, but from someone much greater who inhabits all you are in life and all you strive to be.

I am acquainted with your fears and understand your desires. Brave is tattooed on your forehands, and humility pours from your gracious lips. You have taught me so much about devotion. You've been to war for this girl, this princess, this armor bearer to your valiant king. You once let her fly away because you knew what you had poured in made an impact, and she returned. She saw that you were godly, loving, and desired much more than the shallow expectations of this world.

Your work ethic is admirable. Undeniably you were born a great leader. Your actions speak wonders at home and in the grind. The alarm rings, you arise, and the world is a better place. That suit zips up, you jump in your truck, and men - even bosses- are at peace upon your arrival.

Our "girls" or three pups adore you.  How it makes me long for children who will call you their father. Your patience with me unyielding, how blessed any child would be to be held by you and feel security in the light that pours from your soul. I love how you have never held another child but your baby sister, and that one day you will save those unwavering arms of yours for the child we will call ours; how they will find peace in your presence!

My darling, you break barriers following our Jesus. On days I crawl into bed, caving in to defeat from the pains of the day, you confidently march in and proclaim freedom, praying over me for peace. Even when my heart stands there stunned at your spiritual strength, humbled by the grace you pour forth from the savior of the world, I find rest in knowing he welded our hearts together for a purpose, for his uncompromisable plan.

Love, I am overjoyed in knowing you hear his voice, the whisper of our good good father.

Continue on this journey with me. Another four years, then forty more to follow. Let's pursue this walk hand in hand through the luscious fields, the barren lands, the mighty battles, mountains high and valleys low. This journey is a covenant, signed from the depths of our souls. Let us wage on forever more bringing hope from the one who has built this home.


<3 B

Stay

  I'm not sure if it is the fresh air or the wide open spaces that scare me. I've always craved the country since stepping into the big city in 2007. Now I am placed exactly where I want to be and instead of staring at the stars or breathing in the fresh smells I have been jumping into my truck and driving mindlessly to the city. Running away from my coveted freedom. Isn't it ironic, this running back to the place I felt captive! I miss so much of it, my friends, my church, access to anything I ever needed. Yet, today as I ran on a treadmill and stared at the beautiful clouded sky and the damp ground in my small town, I felt the urge to scream - even loud enough to make my own eardrums explode.

   This frustration inside of me wasn't at what was around me. No, it was with my selfish attitude of never being satisfied. On the other side of the large glass window is a beautiful day but I chose to run inside.  Months ago, I prayed for God to place my husband and I where we were needed and he moved us away and gave us this wonderful home in a friendly neighborhood... but I'm not investing in the place He called us to. I'm running back to the life I came from, running away from what he has called me for - here in this town. In this small, uneventful, drama filled  town. A town where preachers leave because they cannot handle it anymore. A town where brokenness is found in the gossip, the rumors, and the constant unchanging.

   Unfortunately, this running needs to stop. I need to take a step back and focus on what God has called me to here - what He has placed on my heart. I don't know how long it is going to take to arrive on a mountain top again, but I'm going to start walking until I find it and meet Him there. I want to serve my Jesus with my whole heart. I want Him to be my every day, my every moment. I can't live running away from His calling for me because I am scared or don't know where to start.

   So please, please pray for me as I begin staying. Tears have found their way and are drowning my eyes as I write this because it is so hard to stay sometimes. To stay, to breathe, and to not run in fear.  So, through it all I will place my eyes on him. I will believe that his plan is well with my soul, that my God is stronger than this pain, and that whatever he believes needs to be completed here I will respond with, "Here I am! Choose me! I trust you!" This long journey of finding satisfaction in the valley is over. I'm ready to walk back up to the mountain-top to meet my Jesus there; to see his face, meet him, and hear him say "I am proud of  you."

All in All.

They sit under the tree - perfectly wrapped, waiting patiently to have impatient fingers open them, to experience the joy of the beholder, and to be used. These gifts that were thoughtfully chosen, wrapped in love, and perfectly placed... all for the joy of giving.

For this joy of giving.

I have realized there comes a moment in your life when you have to reach for the gift, unwrap it, and behold what was given to you. Sometimes what lies behind the wrapping paper may frighten us, but it is still a gift. Given out of love, waiting for the joy to wipe across you face. Hopefully. Then other times in our life the gift needs to be unwrapped by the giver...

Four months before Adam asked me to be his forever, we separated. It wasn't a fast break, it was a slow one. I pushed him away, fearful of what my emotions were doing to me. A recluse, I stopped answering phone calls, ignored him, I couldn't look at him anymore. These feelings of trust, hope, and most of all love - they scared the daylights out of me! The days that followed were some of my darkest ones, I didn't cry, didn't think, just filled myself with hate... convincing myself I was not worthy of love, I was a mess, and love always failed. Depression sank in, anxiety ate at my soul, and hopelessness and fear destroyed the rest. Yet, God had other plans. In my darkest he wanted me to know him fully.


So one cold December day, I stormed into my aunt's home and up to my room searching frantically for my bible. Great, you might be thinking, she wanted to see what God had to tell her - to search for biblical answers. No friend, I searched for the bible to curse God all the more fully. I hated him, hated. I was so angry and spiteful. Then I found it... the bible.

I found it, screamed, and threw it as hard as I could into the closet. When I went to toss myself on the bed I noticed a small folded paper had fallen out as the book soared through the air. I knelt down and picked it up, careful not to tear the worn paper - I unfolded it. The worn pencil markings on it read:

"Child of weakness
Watch and pray
Find in me 
Thine all in all."

I crawled into the closet and began to weep. A flood of emotions, so walled in broke free and poured out - heavy, flowing, no dam could shut off these waterworks. My pride and hate were shattered. Realization poured in as the God of all the universe wrapped this messy, pig-pen child in his arms and whispered...

You are weak. Child... you are weak. Look at me. Look, I am here. I am your all in all. I must be your all in all before any man can be your anything. Look at me, find that I am here. 
Watch how I love, it is unfailing. (Psalm 13:5)
Watch how I lived, it was righteous. (1 Peter 1:19)
Watch how I died, it was redemptive. (1 Corinthians 1:30)
Child... you are made in my image. You have access to all of that. To unfailing love, to a righteous life, to a redeemed spirit. 
I am love. If you live in love, you live in me.  (1 John 4:7-19)
Watch and pray.

Dear reader, please... please take note of this gift. This gift that I was afraid to unwrap because it was so wrapped in love. This gift that no fingers eagerly opened but instead like a new born child the gift was unwrapped before me, shown to me... by the one who adopted me as his own. This messy child, this human child. In my darkest most hateful moment - he said no more, listen I am here.

So I did and I realized I was scared to death of two truths:
1. God had to wreck me, take me, and make me new to make me fully his own.
-and-
2. To truly love (God or man), I had to lay down my wants and needs and in place of that seek to understand the one my soul longed for more. To watch and learn my love's ways... in order to be fully filled with better understanding.

I know. I know... but friend I also know this. I know that God made people for one purpose, to glorify himself. The people were too human and so they easily gave way to sin. The Creator of all could have been finished with us right then and there but he wasn't! No! Instead he loved us so much he put us... US... before his own, yes. He put his son's life before our deserving death sentence, one who knew no sin became sin so that we might be reconciled with the righteousness of God (2 Cor. 5:21). Why? Because he loved us (John 3:16). So why wouldn't I want to put down my wants and needs and receive this gift that I crave to not only hold but give back.


Stepping into God's way means leaving our ways behind. Marriage is that way. Following God is that way. All weakness are shown so that you must watch and pray, find your all in the one who made it all.

Ye, of Little Experience

It seems contrary, writing a blog about marriage with only a drop over three years of experience behind you. Yet, I felt compelled to take this daunting task. One that might acquire much criticism or eyes rolled, but hopefully more laughter, joy, and realization that marriage is a blessing... from the beginning.

A few days ago, as my forefinger and eyes scrolled through endless Facebook posts, I came across another one about marriage. The lady has been married for 36 years or so and wanted everyone to know how they accomplished such a goal. I chuckled to myself as I pictured writing a blog about making it to three years, and being profoundly proud of that moment! So I thought, why not write about it... why not?

So let me tell you about my sweet husband and me.

We met when he was in 8th grade and I was in 9th. We became instant friends with years of hating each other, loving each other... that kind of friendship. He helped me through math, I helped him through life - dating other girls, too. He talked to me when my relationships failed, then one day my senior year after a terrible break-up, we decided to talk a little more seriously. So, one beautiful afternoon on the golf course, I walked straight up to him, kissed him on the cheek and said, "Adam, I really like you."

That's where it all began. 

We broke up a few months later; I went off to college. Then one cold January night he messaged me on MySpace just wanting to chat. We began to talk again after months of silence, and now we are here - happily married. (As I sit here in bed writing this, he is lying next to me -sick as a dog and snoring louder than the echo of a train in a mile long tunnel - and I wouldn't trade it for the world).



So why write?
What do I have to comment on, or credentials to display?
We do not have children.
We do not have years of experience.
We do not have all the good and the bad.

We do have love.
We do have failures.
We do have victories.
But most of all... we have God.

We recently moved to a town in the country, away from the city, away from family, away from friends.

Starting over we have had our meltdowns, but have had our buildups, too.
We have seen frustration, brokenness, and tears.
Yet, we have experienced joy, bonding, and faith.

I do believe that 36 years of marriage is a great feat. Fifty years, forty years... twenty years; you learn something at each of them but you cannot bound straight to fifty -- no you have to pass through three.

So in this blog, I will comment on the past, the present, and the future.
I will write about the struggles, the moving past it, and the growing older.
I will address the "children" subjects, the "financial" subjects, the "job" subjects.
Yet, all of it will be covered with the "God" imprint, and all of it will pour from my soul.

So ready or not, here we go.