To My Handsome Groom, With All My Heart

Whoa! It is May, the May before June which leads to July. Yes! July 30th. The big 4 letter word - FOUR.

This July we will mark the day Adam almost cried, I laughed when his corsage turned upside down then quickly made friends with the ground, and the unity candles would not light. This July will mark four years since the shaky knees, the wildness in my mind, and the peace of hearing "As The Deer" guide me to my future standing at the end of the burlap cloth aisle.

Four years.

It's not much, no... but it's also so much.
Jars overflowing with laughter, bowls holding so many tears. Countless moments of bending and changing, giving and taking, molding and fitting. My heart cannot fathom that we survived our first year, much less the second. Yet, so many times I yearn for that small one bedroom apartment on the third floor with a tiny full size bed and a partially empty fridge/pantry. I find myself closing my eyes and giggling at our first Thanksgiving and Christmas. The tiny decorations screaming courage to my heart!

I look back on our dreams, our long conversations, the desperation in my voice wanting checklists to find themselves complete (school, graduating, paying off debt) and now I crave for time to halt.  Here's to you my warrior, my prince, my groom... my mister. Here is to you who fought gallantly for us.


To My Handsome Groom,

Your patience for me is unyielding. Your love - ever growing. There is a light in your eyes that shines, it radiates and penetrates the depths of my soul. I know that glow is not from me, nothing I have done or ever will do, but from someone much greater who inhabits all you are in life and all you strive to be.

I am acquainted with your fears and understand your desires. Brave is tattooed on your forehands, and humility pours from your gracious lips. You have taught me so much about devotion. You've been to war for this girl, this princess, this armor bearer to your valiant king. You once let her fly away because you knew what you had poured in made an impact, and she returned. She saw that you were godly, loving, and desired much more than the shallow expectations of this world.

Your work ethic is admirable. Undeniably you were born a great leader. Your actions speak wonders at home and in the grind. The alarm rings, you arise, and the world is a better place. That suit zips up, you jump in your truck, and men - even bosses- are at peace upon your arrival.

Our "girls" or three pups adore you.  How it makes me long for children who will call you their father. Your patience with me unyielding, how blessed any child would be to be held by you and feel security in the light that pours from your soul. I love how you have never held another child but your baby sister, and that one day you will save those unwavering arms of yours for the child we will call ours; how they will find peace in your presence!

My darling, you break barriers following our Jesus. On days I crawl into bed, caving in to defeat from the pains of the day, you confidently march in and proclaim freedom, praying over me for peace. Even when my heart stands there stunned at your spiritual strength, humbled by the grace you pour forth from the savior of the world, I find rest in knowing he welded our hearts together for a purpose, for his uncompromisable plan.

Love, I am overjoyed in knowing you hear his voice, the whisper of our good good father.

Continue on this journey with me. Another four years, then forty more to follow. Let's pursue this walk hand in hand through the luscious fields, the barren lands, the mighty battles, mountains high and valleys low. This journey is a covenant, signed from the depths of our souls. Let us wage on forever more bringing hope from the one who has built this home.


<3 B

When the Other Kids are Playing with Mines in the Front Yard, and You Can Only Watch and Think of Escaping Out the Back

There are two different worlds you can live in: reality and sheltered-blindness.

You can live "real" in one part of your life - home life, work life, friend life, and yet still live "blind" in another.

I had been doing just that. Blind. Blind. Blind.

Honestly, as I hover here on the reality side of my sheltered-blindness, and I find that I miss blindness terribly, I know that God rolled up the blinds in the front room of my heart to show me the "kids" playing with mines in my "real" front yard. As I look out I see people who are so blindly unaware of what they are messing with - how much damage it is about to cause their family, their friends, their children, their home... the mines of adultery, lust, and lies.

My hand wanted to seize the blind and pull it back down, sprint out the back door to the safe "sheltered-blindness" and say to my Father, "I DIDN'T KNOW! I didn't know..."

Instead, when I spun around with tears streaming down my eyes, disgust, rage, and frustration filling my broken heart I knew why my Papa had revealed the reality of the world around me. Yes, he knew I was ready and wanted to shine light on my own weaknesses, so that I might begin to pray for strength in order to bravely step out when called into my front yard to pray for those playing with destruction.

So I stood there, dumbfounded, staring at my Father and not knowing what to pray. He gently holds my heart and whispers, "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searched our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God" (Romans 8:26-27). You see, he has given me (and you) a big brother, Jesus, and surrounded me (and you!) with a friend - the Holy Spirit.

Oh! My heart began to cry out, "That is why so many of you are sick, and a number of you have fallen asleep! But if we were more discerning with regard to ourselves, we would not come under such judgement." (1 Cor. 11:30-31) 

They were there, comatose to what catastrophe they were about to create. As I looked on I noticed some of these "kids" were seconds away from setting off the explosives - marriages dismantled, children crying because daddy or mommy abandoned them, wedding bands and vows lay on the wayside covered in muck; I stand here seeing it all unable to pull my eyes off the calamity and heartache.

Thus, I pull out my beloved story book to remind me what a marriage is... what the truth is... what toys we should really play with, and how to begin replacing those mines. Again, Papa reminds me, sweet child, here are the "toys" I raised you with, toys that bring wholeness and rightness, toys that shine light and bring growth - not destruction and distress.

"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh" Genesis 2:24

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." (Proverbs 31:10-11) 

"The Lord is my strength and my defense, he has become my salvation" Exodus 15:2

"I love you, LORD, my strength." Psalm 18:1

"The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in him and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

"Therefore strengthen my feeble heart and weakness." Hebrews 12:12

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." Mathew 26:41

"Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourself to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control." 1 Cor. 7:5

"No temptation has over taken you, except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful! He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Cor 10:13

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds, tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads." (Deut. 11:18)

"I have hidden your word in my heart so I may not sin against you." (Psalm 119:11)

Toys - truths.
Mixed in style and character.
A variety - full abundance.
All of them given by a loving father who says, "You don't have to play with mines - destruction, no. Hold on to the truth, the light, what I've given you. Share that with your friends, family, and co-workers - share this love, this joy, this hope."

Now I can look out the window and pray, eventually when I'm strong enough - step out into the yard of reality and share my "toys of truth".