To My Handsome Groom, With All My Heart

Whoa! It is May, the May before June which leads to July. Yes! July 30th. The big 4 letter word - FOUR.

This July we will mark the day Adam almost cried, I laughed when his corsage turned upside down then quickly made friends with the ground, and the unity candles would not light. This July will mark four years since the shaky knees, the wildness in my mind, and the peace of hearing "As The Deer" guide me to my future standing at the end of the burlap cloth aisle.

Four years.

It's not much, no... but it's also so much.
Jars overflowing with laughter, bowls holding so many tears. Countless moments of bending and changing, giving and taking, molding and fitting. My heart cannot fathom that we survived our first year, much less the second. Yet, so many times I yearn for that small one bedroom apartment on the third floor with a tiny full size bed and a partially empty fridge/pantry. I find myself closing my eyes and giggling at our first Thanksgiving and Christmas. The tiny decorations screaming courage to my heart!

I look back on our dreams, our long conversations, the desperation in my voice wanting checklists to find themselves complete (school, graduating, paying off debt) and now I crave for time to halt.  Here's to you my warrior, my prince, my groom... my mister. Here is to you who fought gallantly for us.


To My Handsome Groom,

Your patience for me is unyielding. Your love - ever growing. There is a light in your eyes that shines, it radiates and penetrates the depths of my soul. I know that glow is not from me, nothing I have done or ever will do, but from someone much greater who inhabits all you are in life and all you strive to be.

I am acquainted with your fears and understand your desires. Brave is tattooed on your forehands, and humility pours from your gracious lips. You have taught me so much about devotion. You've been to war for this girl, this princess, this armor bearer to your valiant king. You once let her fly away because you knew what you had poured in made an impact, and she returned. She saw that you were godly, loving, and desired much more than the shallow expectations of this world.

Your work ethic is admirable. Undeniably you were born a great leader. Your actions speak wonders at home and in the grind. The alarm rings, you arise, and the world is a better place. That suit zips up, you jump in your truck, and men - even bosses- are at peace upon your arrival.

Our "girls" or three pups adore you.  How it makes me long for children who will call you their father. Your patience with me unyielding, how blessed any child would be to be held by you and feel security in the light that pours from your soul. I love how you have never held another child but your baby sister, and that one day you will save those unwavering arms of yours for the child we will call ours; how they will find peace in your presence!

My darling, you break barriers following our Jesus. On days I crawl into bed, caving in to defeat from the pains of the day, you confidently march in and proclaim freedom, praying over me for peace. Even when my heart stands there stunned at your spiritual strength, humbled by the grace you pour forth from the savior of the world, I find rest in knowing he welded our hearts together for a purpose, for his uncompromisable plan.

Love, I am overjoyed in knowing you hear his voice, the whisper of our good good father.

Continue on this journey with me. Another four years, then forty more to follow. Let's pursue this walk hand in hand through the luscious fields, the barren lands, the mighty battles, mountains high and valleys low. This journey is a covenant, signed from the depths of our souls. Let us wage on forever more bringing hope from the one who has built this home.


<3 B

When the Other Kids are Playing with Mines in the Front Yard, and You Can Only Watch and Think of Escaping Out the Back

There are two different worlds you can live in: reality and sheltered-blindness.

You can live "real" in one part of your life - home life, work life, friend life, and yet still live "blind" in another.

I had been doing just that. Blind. Blind. Blind.

Honestly, as I hover here on the reality side of my sheltered-blindness, and I find that I miss blindness terribly, I know that God rolled up the blinds in the front room of my heart to show me the "kids" playing with mines in my "real" front yard. As I look out I see people who are so blindly unaware of what they are messing with - how much damage it is about to cause their family, their friends, their children, their home... the mines of adultery, lust, and lies.

My hand wanted to seize the blind and pull it back down, sprint out the back door to the safe "sheltered-blindness" and say to my Father, "I DIDN'T KNOW! I didn't know..."

Instead, when I spun around with tears streaming down my eyes, disgust, rage, and frustration filling my broken heart I knew why my Papa had revealed the reality of the world around me. Yes, he knew I was ready and wanted to shine light on my own weaknesses, so that I might begin to pray for strength in order to bravely step out when called into my front yard to pray for those playing with destruction.

So I stood there, dumbfounded, staring at my Father and not knowing what to pray. He gently holds my heart and whispers, "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searched our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God" (Romans 8:26-27). You see, he has given me (and you) a big brother, Jesus, and surrounded me (and you!) with a friend - the Holy Spirit.

Oh! My heart began to cry out, "That is why so many of you are sick, and a number of you have fallen asleep! But if we were more discerning with regard to ourselves, we would not come under such judgement." (1 Cor. 11:30-31) 

They were there, comatose to what catastrophe they were about to create. As I looked on I noticed some of these "kids" were seconds away from setting off the explosives - marriages dismantled, children crying because daddy or mommy abandoned them, wedding bands and vows lay on the wayside covered in muck; I stand here seeing it all unable to pull my eyes off the calamity and heartache.

Thus, I pull out my beloved story book to remind me what a marriage is... what the truth is... what toys we should really play with, and how to begin replacing those mines. Again, Papa reminds me, sweet child, here are the "toys" I raised you with, toys that bring wholeness and rightness, toys that shine light and bring growth - not destruction and distress.

"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh" Genesis 2:24

"A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." (Proverbs 31:10-11) 

"The Lord is my strength and my defense, he has become my salvation" Exodus 15:2

"I love you, LORD, my strength." Psalm 18:1

"The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in him and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

"Therefore strengthen my feeble heart and weakness." Hebrews 12:12

"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." Mathew 26:41

"Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourself to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control." 1 Cor. 7:5

"No temptation has over taken you, except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful! He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Cor 10:13

"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds, tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads." (Deut. 11:18)

"I have hidden your word in my heart so I may not sin against you." (Psalm 119:11)

Toys - truths.
Mixed in style and character.
A variety - full abundance.
All of them given by a loving father who says, "You don't have to play with mines - destruction, no. Hold on to the truth, the light, what I've given you. Share that with your friends, family, and co-workers - share this love, this joy, this hope."

Now I can look out the window and pray, eventually when I'm strong enough - step out into the yard of reality and share my "toys of truth".

Love Song For A Savior

Some songs shape our lives, some we cling closely to for reasons unknown. "Love Song for a Savior" by Jars of Clay has been on of my favorite songs since I heard it as a child. Yet, I always stayed in that state of mind - that "one day I would understand... one day I'll run into his arms." Friend, I finally have... I've run full sprint - falling head over heals and tears come freely - ALL THE TIME. So below is the new song I sing based on the original song that I love so dearly for so long:

In open fields of wild flowers
I breathe the air and fly away
I thank my Jesus for the daisies and the roses,
in no simple language,
Today I understand the meaning of it all

You're more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or song on my lips
I've learned how to trust you and I'm yearning to see you
I've heard you calling and I have come running
I fall in your arms and the tears they fall down as I pray,

I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You

How right we are to adore you?
Love, lead me to your banquet hall,
Tell me you, whom I adore - that your banner over me is love.
I searched and found you - now I will not let you go.

You're more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or song on my lips
I've learned how to trust you and I'm yearning to see you
I've heard you calling and I have come running
I fall in your arms and the tears they fall down as I pray,

I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You
I am so in love with You

You say I am altogether beautiful
Lord, you see no flaw in me.
So I cling tightly to your promise,
waiting for you to call my name and say,

"I am so in love with you"

"My heart and eyes they follow you."

White as Snow

"I hear the savior say
Thy strength in deed is small
child of weakness watch and pray
find in me thine all in all.

Jesus paid it all,
all to him I owe,
sin has left a crimson stain,
he washed me white as snow." *

*(May or may not be accurate - completely from memory)

It never hit me until I was in the valley, a literal valley on the edge of Sierra Blanca, how short my presence on the mountain top would be. I had become a little cabin restless, so I decided to take a short run to calm myself when I came across a small creek. Of course I went down to touch the water - ice cold.
Snow cold.


My hand, burning from the water, quickly found comfort in the warmth of its stolen glove. I picked up the pace laughing at myself for recklessly diving my hand into the blood-freezing water. As the run progressed, my mind stayed back at the creek. The creek held tightly to my thoughts not wanting to be removed from my memory. I asked God, yes literally asked, "What's up with that?"
Ha!
Sometimes I humor myself... and sometimes I think God chuckles at me, too.

Then it came... the answer. (I'm sure after God shook his head at his ridiculous child, grinned, and sat down ready to explain what was really up with the fact that the creek would not run free from my attention.)

"Brady, sweet Brady. Your favorite song is about me washing you white as snow. White, pure, clean... unmuddied snow. Let me speak truth to you now. I want you to stop staying frozen on the mountain top. I need you to listen carefully child. You crave the mountain top - yet up here you can't breathe life. White as snow - frozen in my presence, beautiful and clean. Now, yes now, I want you to melt into life water, overflow with what I have done for you, and pour into others.
Run to the valley!
Bring life.
Bring truth.
Beware, rocks will try to stop you, limbs and obstacles will cover your path, but have hope because with me you will flow freely and I will flow freely out of you."

Teeth gritting, I became frustrated with this command. I just reached the mountain top, why would I want to go back down?! I have not been here for a long time and this hurt hearing him say "melt... run to the valley!" This was not at all what I wanted, not at all.

So I pushed on... frustrated with the God I am enamored with because I just reached the top and now he is asking me to not slowly come off the mountain top but run freely down!

As if it is my choice?

Suddenly, my thoughts were halted by 5 deer that stopped me dead in my tracks. One squared up to me in the middle of the road, three on the opposite side of the creek and the 5th on the left side of the road trucking up a hill. My eyes bounced between the one who barricaded the road and the three that were drinking from the stream. As I slowly back peddled over my steps a song rushed to my mind - one that is very dear to my heart,

"As the deer panteth for the water,
so my soul longeth after you.
You alone are my hearts desire,
and I long to worship you."

Breathe, Brady.
Step back.
Okay.
God, I get it.

I understand!

I pivoted in the road and returned to where I had come from.
Mixed between overwhelmed and overjoyed I cautiously asked one more time, just in case.
"Okay, what else do you want to show me?"

I mean seriously, I took this run to relax not to be spoken so clearly to, but if God wants to speak - if the Holy Spirit wants to show me "what's up" then I might as well let him. (Side note - What a spoiled rotten child I can be sometimes... I am so human and worldly it can be absurd/frustrating!)

Then all was quiet.
The run continued back up towards my cabin, when I felt compelled to step back towards the creek one more time. As I took a few steps in I looked down at my feet. Below were pine needles, by the thousands.

A sweet whisper in the wind gently ushered, "I know every one of these Brady."

What?

Again it whispered in my heart, "I know each of the needles that have fallen, those that have fallen before these - now look up."

I did.

And I wept. Heart overwhelmed because I finally understood with the little understanding I have.

I am known. Among everything in this world, he knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my longings and desires. He wants to use me... and he take his personal time to speak so clearly to my soul.

My God wants me to go to the valley, he knows what I've done before, what I'm doing now, and what I will do later in his presence. He wants me to go because I understand how loved I am and I do not need to sit on the mountain top any longer basking in his love - frozen in his presence. He wants me to flow past the rocks, the branches, the dams to bring his truth!
He loves.
He forgives.
He washes you white as snow, then sends you to be a truth bearer, a disciple, a life giver.

I asked him to use me... arms wide open use me.
And he will, he already is.

Much love,
Brady :)

For Better or Worse... Richer or Poorer

The table bore witness to our whispers and yells. It caught my nervous tears and reached up to feel the grasp of forgiving and loving hands filled with warmth, hope, and trust. Our goals and dreams were established, not in stone but our hearts desire could easily compare.  Nearly six months prior he had grasped my hand the same way, promising for better or for worse - richer or poorer. He is a planner, analytical, and thorough; I am the complete opposite - a dreamer. Time ticked by as we met over and over again on how to do this - make this marriage work. Somehow we had to combine goals, merge them into one - a dreamer and a goal keeper... one.

Expectations shattered into a million shards before us, leaving some wounds that would create beautiful scars. Three years and three months after our hearts bonded over the setting of the "goal contract" we checked the last off our list. The list consisting of both of us graduating from college, becoming debt free, buying a home, and then a "new-to-us-keep-for-a-long-time" vehicle.

Breathe.

As we walked arm-in-arm away from the dealership my heart danced for joy and my head ran wild in panic. We made it! Wait... what's next?

He wore his handsome confident smile as my eyes met his face because he knows me so well. He knows what I am thinking. He is like that, you see, he is always one step ahead of my constant desire to jump forward without looking at where I will land. His smile calms me, grounds me, quiets my soul. I trust him and know that he lives to please God. This does not make me a weak woman, no - it makes me stronger and more confident in the life that is before us... better or worse - richer or poorer.

This gift of goal reaching is beautiful. This gift of marriage, of being one with someone else and taking the clay from one heart adding the water from the other in order to mold the two hearts into one. This takes sacrifice. This is covered with God. Yes, the submitting, the encouraging, the forgiveness - the constant forgiveness. The I'm sorries - the humility. It's God. He teaches us in this, in these difficult tear wrenching, teeth gritting moments to find grace dust it off and behold it as a gift to the other. In the joyful, high-five, shut up and kiss me moments... and in the I'm sorry - you're forgiven ones as well, God is teaching, building, scraping, refining, reforming, and creating us to be more like him.

This is a gift.
For this we are thankful.
This is God in us.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2
"As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance." 1 Peter 1:14

Stay

  I'm not sure if it is the fresh air or the wide open spaces that scare me. I've always craved the country since stepping into the big city in 2007. Now I am placed exactly where I want to be and instead of staring at the stars or breathing in the fresh smells I have been jumping into my truck and driving mindlessly to the city. Running away from my coveted freedom. Isn't it ironic, this running back to the place I felt captive! I miss so much of it, my friends, my church, access to anything I ever needed. Yet, today as I ran on a treadmill and stared at the beautiful clouded sky and the damp ground in my small town, I felt the urge to scream - even loud enough to make my own eardrums explode.

   This frustration inside of me wasn't at what was around me. No, it was with my selfish attitude of never being satisfied. On the other side of the large glass window is a beautiful day but I chose to run inside.  Months ago, I prayed for God to place my husband and I where we were needed and he moved us away and gave us this wonderful home in a friendly neighborhood... but I'm not investing in the place He called us to. I'm running back to the life I came from, running away from what he has called me for - here in this town. In this small, uneventful, drama filled  town. A town where preachers leave because they cannot handle it anymore. A town where brokenness is found in the gossip, the rumors, and the constant unchanging.

   Unfortunately, this running needs to stop. I need to take a step back and focus on what God has called me to here - what He has placed on my heart. I don't know how long it is going to take to arrive on a mountain top again, but I'm going to start walking until I find it and meet Him there. I want to serve my Jesus with my whole heart. I want Him to be my every day, my every moment. I can't live running away from His calling for me because I am scared or don't know where to start.

   So please, please pray for me as I begin staying. Tears have found their way and are drowning my eyes as I write this because it is so hard to stay sometimes. To stay, to breathe, and to not run in fear.  So, through it all I will place my eyes on him. I will believe that his plan is well with my soul, that my God is stronger than this pain, and that whatever he believes needs to be completed here I will respond with, "Here I am! Choose me! I trust you!" This long journey of finding satisfaction in the valley is over. I'm ready to walk back up to the mountain-top to meet my Jesus there; to see his face, meet him, and hear him say "I am proud of  you."

Giving All Your Love!

It was 7 p.m. and I was with my boyfriend (now husband) at his brother's house watching the Spurs dominate the court when my stomach began to turn. Three seconds later I was sprinting to the restroom throwing up everything I had in my system. It was miserable! Not to mention, EMBARRASSING!!! There I was vulnerable, crying a mascara river onto my shirt, and moving between heaving and puking every few minutes; there he was holding my hair back, wiping my face, and whispering words of encouragement "Bray, you'll be okay".

Two days later (YES! TWO!) I finally made it back to my Aunt's house where I had been living at the time. I was so weak and I hardly remember those days, but the moments that I do remember were him walking in and checking on me,  bringing me PediaLite and eventually crackers while brushing the hair out of my unwashed face. The moment I finally woke up and was comprehending what had happened, I wept. I wept because I was in a position where I had no idea what had happened since 7 p.m. two days prior, and this boy had been taking such gentle care of me. A food-poisoned princess... a throw up-fighting knight.

Maybe I fell head over heals in front of that toilet bowl. Maybe that was one of the moments that I knew this man could conquer anything. His love for me bent low and met me in my pain and hurt. He whispered hope when I felt the world was crashing. True love.

Love does that... it explodes hearts in a quiet way.
It isn't about one day a year, it's about every day. Every day you step unselfishly into the true kind of love. The love that gives hope, encouragement, and peace. The love that doesn't do because they have to, but does because it wants to.

Today I did just that and I encourage you to do the same - step up and out. Love in a way that explodes a heart, filling it with thankfulness, joy, and gratitude. Look at the people around you! Everyone needs something, subtle or ginormous. Today I scanned the yard and could hear Adam's voice in the background, full of dismay at the trenches the dogs have dug. I filled every single one of them. Painful? Yes. Sweat-filled? Yes. Full of love and excitement about what he will think when he comes home? ABSOLUTELY!

He's my knight. My warrior. My tender-hearted man.

I would do anything for him... even the stuff that isn't fun.

So do something today that puts you out of your comfort zone. Love! Love because we are loved. Bless others with gifts you have by giving them the gifts they need. Pick up flowers for a single person, invite someone over whom you don't normally interact with, do something difficult. The growth and joy you find from it will only push you further into this love-giving adventure.

Happy GIVING ALL YOUR LOVE Day!!!